I HATE PARCELFARCE

Every day, a little bit more of me dies in this country. How can a country this advanced be soo backward in soo many ways??!??

We are STILL waiting for our package to get to us from the Giant Peach website in the US.

For all my hatred of America and it's disgusting rape of anything it's touched in this world of ours, I've gotta give them some credit on this. At least they know how to post stuff.

DAY 1 at 18:59 - Collected from The Giant Peach in the US.
DAY 2 at 06:30 - Left the US.
DAY 4 at 16:25 - Arrived in the UK.
DAY 9 at 17:41 - "Released with charges" from customs.
NOW (9 Oct - which is 14 days) - "Arrived at delivery depot" and "Awaiting payment of charges"

It sat in customs for 5 days. 5 DAYS?? Wot the hell? IT WAS JUST CLOTHES - it stated it's value on the outside, all that the freakin' customs muppet had to do was use a calculator to add the VAT and customs on. Ohhh, did woo hwave wots of wittle pwackages Mr customs mwan? I dunno, here's an idea, maybe you could HIRE SOME MORE STAFF?? Maybe??

But here's the BEST bit.

There's currently a postal strike on in England. So... what does Parcelforce do?

They send you a LETTER saying that you have customs charges to pay, and that you can't get your package until you've paid your customs charges - and, and, it has this MAGIC little 17 digit CUSTOMS number on it, which, get this, is DIFFERENT to the parcel number. And it's MAGIC, did I say that already?

That makes sense. Oh, hang on, no, no, no it doesn't. Why would you send a LETTER when you're a courier company????? Parcelforce even have this nice little statement on their website:

You may have seen details in the press about the industrial action within the Royal Mail Network from Thursday 4th through to Tuesday 9th October.
We can reassure you that there will be no disruption to your Parcelforce Worldwide services.
Parcelforce Worldwide is not involved in this dispute and it is ‘business as usual’ for all of our UK and International services.

Ummm.... NO it's NOT business as usual, coz if it WAS, we'd have our package by now. YOU MOTHER %$£$*$ LIERS.

So, here's good 'ole Matt thinking, that I call them up, pay the customs over the phone, and get the package sent out. Makes sense. Done that before in New Zealand. Easy as pie eh.

NO WORRIES MATE.

I call the Parcelforce line:

"Hello, I'd like to pay my customs charge to get my package released." I say.
"I'm a fat slaggy whore, and you can get fukked you piss face, this is England, it don't work like that, I don't give a shit and the system don't give a shit, what are you even calling me for, you KNOW I don't give a shit and that I can't make anything happen even i I DID want to, so just give up, why are you even TRYNG??" I hear.
"Pardon me??" I exclaim.
"Can I please have your 17 digit customs number Sir."
"I don't have the customs letter because of the Royal Mail strike, but I do have my Parcelforce parcel tracking number."
"We need your 17 digit customs number, otherwise we can't take the payment." Gaaahhh, my teeth are nashing.
I can advise you how much the customs charge is though. Can I please have your Parcelforce tracking number."
"EC596989171GB"
"You have a customs charge of £61.72 Sir." Riiiiigghhhttt. You can tell me how MUCH it is, but not let me pay for that amount that YOU JUST TOLD ME??? Arrrrrgggghhhhh!!! "The local depot where the parcel is being held is able to take the payment, so I'll transfer you through to them." Heeeey, now we're getting somewhere!
"Thanks!" Why oh why was I so cynical about this country. This ain't gonna be a problem at all!

- 25 minute interlude of horrifically inane"music", followed by some rather sexual sounding slurping noises. I'm soo sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt your 14th morning tea this morning, what was I thinking? That maybe you fat oafs should do some work? Ahhh, whoopsies, SORRY, wrong country, hah, there's that cynicism coming out again! -

"Wot???" I am so politely asked by someone whose mother obviously took waaay too much thalidomide when she was pregnant. You just GOTTA love that customer service vibe this country gives off.
"Hello, I'd like to pay my customs charge to get my package released. I don't have the customs letter because of the Royal Mail strike, but I do have my Parcelforce tracking number which is EC59..." I start before I'm rudely cut off.
"..Nah. Can't do 'at. Needa 17 digit numma." The snub limbed monkey interjects.
"The lady in the main call centre told me that you could take the payment with just the Parcelforce tracking number?" I queried, hoping to sneak past this pile of human refuse to something with just the tiniest bit of human decency.
"S'sekurity ya see. Can' do 'at wifout the numma. Yoo mite not be yoo, keepsa parcels from bein' nicked by 'ems. 'At laddie in the fones dunnaye woot shays talkin' aboot." Ahh. It's for security's sake. Sure, sure, someone actually thought about something before they did it, riiiighht. Pity 'them' managed to nick your brain and swap it for a minor speech impediment 'eh mate. Or is that just the normal 'English' language. Hard to tell in this country sometimes. HOW THE FUKK IS SENDING ME A LETTER WITH A 17 DIGIT NUMBER ON THE OUTSIDE OF IT SECURITY YOU FUKKING RETARD??? I shout at him from inside my head.
"You kin com'n pick 'at up fram the depo eef ya waant?" What? What?? WHAT?!?!?? I can pick it up from the depot without the number??? HOW IS THAT MORE SECURE??!?!? Either way, if I pick it up, or pay over the phone, I've gotta show my passport when I get the parcel!! OH MY GOD THIS COUNTRY IS RETARDED.

The London depot is over an hour away, CLOSED when I'm actually able to go there, and carrying the big box home would be the biggest mission in the world. Looks like we're waiting for the letter eh. The 2nd postal strikes last day is on the 10th at least - tomorrow. Yaaaay!!!

Oh, hang on, there's ANOTHER strike coming, on the 15th. No problem though, coz royal mail have got it all under control:

We apologise for any disruption caused to our customers and whilst Special Delivery items are being delivered and some mail is flowing through the network we are building up significant backlogs. Currently we are not able to give details of mail volumes on hand or the timescales for clearing the backlog once this round of industrial action finishes on Wednesday.

Here's how I read that: nah nah na nah nah, you ain't getting your package, nah nah na nah nah, ah ha ha ha ha ha, geeeeeeeeeeett fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuukkkkkkkeeeeddddddddd.

Is that stupid little piece of paper going to get through before the 15th? I doubt it, but we'll see won't we, we'll see.

I do like this from the Parcelforce FAQs section though:

How long will you keep my parcel before returning it to sender?
Parcels are kept for 16 days before returning to sender. If there's no return address, we'll keep the parcel at our parcel recovery centre for 3 months before disposing of it

Today - the 9th of October - is 6 days that the parcel has been with Parfelforce, so only 10 more days till it gets to that other magic number of 16! How FUNNY would that be if it got sent back to the US? Har har har eh. Har har.

Oh, now, you've gotta have your magic little 17 digit customs number don't you. How is it magic? Coz if you don't GOT it, then you don't GET it. I mean. Yeah. Pricks. Way to set up a good system.

Excuse the acerbic tirade of bile. I've (Matt) been in bed sick with a cold for 3 days and are currently in the hating everything mindframe. Not my fault.